January. Time to lose weight! I’m on the ~Depression Diet~ Have you heard of it? It’s super effective. You’re only allowed a cheese and pickle sandwich (main meal), biscuits (snack) and vodka (beverage). The exercise plan includes dragging yourself 300 yards down the road to the off licence in the middle of the night to get more cheese/biscuits/vodka/cigarettes. Panic attacks are great for toning abs, and dry-heaving over the toilet bowl while crying builds upper body strength as well as cleansing your head of unwanted tears and tricking your nausea into thinking that it’s materialised. Other than that, you’re bedridden, alternating between 3 classic yoga poses – ‘Dead Drunk’, ‘Suicidal Starfish’ and ‘Fed-Up Foetus.’ Why travel miles to a pretentious, overpriced meditation retreat when you can ponder your poor life choices and dwell on every mistake you’ve ever made in the (dis)comfort of your own home? (Top Slimming Secret: Lose someone you love – grief works just like a tapeworm!) I’ve lost 8lbs in less than a week. Minimal effort, maximum results. 10/10 would recommend. xoxo



  1. I am also on the depression diet right now. Love from across the pond. At least my annual depressions keep me thin and let me know what time of year it is?

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