Diary Entries – 11/52

Monday

super sad again today, choosing names for children that I’ll never have.

Tuesday

thinking about that time we took a bottle of rum for a walk through the churchyard & along the river at 5am & I had a secret packet in my jacket pocket & we sat among the sleepy ducks & snorted it as the sun came up & felt like we were properly in love with one another for the first time since the very first time.

Wednesday

I can’t remember if I sometimes behave badly because of all this psychiatric medication I take, or if I take all this psychiatric medication because I sometimes behave badly.

Thursday

I want to make a fish pie, but I do not have the strength to mash potatoes.

Friday

listless / restless / useless, will I ever be well???

Saturday

when I miss you, I hug [the memory of] your skeleton.

Sunday

10 hour zoom party (calculated euphoria!) then the morning devastation & my life still isn’t done… so why is yours? Would I want you to live through this? Of course. Selfishly. Of course.

 


Originally published bySchuylkill Valley Journal ‘Dispatches’ here.

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