Blunt Force

You see things and hear things that “aren’t real”

[apparently, according to
everybody else but
it’s all real to you]

Your eye keeps twitching; you need magnesium or potassium

[you can’t remember which and it
doesn’t matter one bit−fuck it,
let it, let it twitch]

You cannot seem to do crosswords anymore

[you make mistakes then furiously
scribble out the whole grid
because it’s ruined]

You turn to books, to literature, believing that reading will save you

[when you open your favourite novel,
the print on the pages
don’t resemble words]

You want to write your sorry little heart out

[but your words aren’t words either
and you admit that you are
a waste of paper]

Your brain isn’t working properly

[which makes you incredibly
angry—your brain is
enraged at itself]

You try to slit your incredulity-choked throat

[and barely make a mark−
your Daddy’s penknife
is too blunt

You try to stab yourself in the stomach

[your body stops you
from creating
enough force]

You are alive and stupid and angry and your brain is broken and you are so tired

[of your brain / body / rage / of being
tired / of everyone / everything /
all of it]

Your anti-psychotic medication isn’t working, it doesn’t work anymore, it’s not working

[“Well, obviously,”
you say, sarcastically,
to nobody]

 


Poem from History of Present Complaint by HLR – get a copy here: UK / US

7 Comments

  1. I can relate to being angry at your brain so hard! I can’t remember shit anymore. I will ask my friend the same question in a 60 minute or so conversation 3 fucking times. Luckily he’s patient with me. It’s so fucking infuriating!!! I am doing everything I can to combat it right now – I’m titrating down my klonopin, getting more sleep & not drinking NEARLY as much as I was.

    In what ways do you feel like your brain has become broken?

    Love,
    Kait

    1. It’s SO FRUSTRATING. It’s broken in the sense that it refuses to cooperate with my heart, my body, my environment, with logic, with rationality – it screams the opposite, it turns good stuff into bad, it twists inane things into an attack, it refuses to forget painful things and dismisses or deletes good memories. All the anger that I feel when my brain isn’t functionining reasonably can only go inward, towards myself, and that’s never a positive thing.

      Problems with memory have really upset me, things I used to be brilliant at (learning new things, speaking/reading foreign languages, multi-tasking, basic maths and organisation skills) I cannot do anymore. My brain has stolen and destroyed so much of me, things I took for granted. I feel I can’t do so many things anymore, things that used to be easy are now a massive struggle or incomprehensible.

      It feels irreparably damaged, like it’s taken in too much and has no space for anything other than what it currently knows – and I’ve been coming to terms with this, the fact that I’ll never be the same again, over the past couple of years. It’s like a grief. I miss who I used to be, when my brain was brilliant. I can’t get her back and I’m devastated. But I’m trying to survive with what I -do- still have, and I’m not taking anything for granted.

      xxxxxx

      1. That is A LOT to deal with. Good fucking lord… I can DEFINITELY see why that would be a grieving process. I can totally relate to the brain seeming to let the good memories float away & be much more invested (for whatever dumb reason) in keeping the bad memories in my head. It makes me so angry.

        It utterly fucking sucks that this is happening but I’m glad you’re trying to make some peace with it? That seems like a very strong person move.

        Xx

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