A Modern-day Easter Story

A satirical account of Easter weekend in Locked-down London.

The Scum = The Sun (awful tabloid newspaper)

BoJo = Boris Johnson, Prime Minister (somehow)

Dynamo = badass British magician, illusionist and all-round good guy.

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THURSDAY

Earth-shattering news is announced: man who has always been able to walk can walk (!!!) It’s a miracle. Miracle man who can walk is an actor, his most notable roles being “parody of a politician”, “bumbling buffoon”, “Tory Twat” and “butcher.”

Doctors die before they can be sacked much to the annoyance of the Health Secretary.

The Scum print a brief piece about the death of an umployed, mentally unstable hippie scrounger. Locals have named the deceased as JC. Scum journos disappointed his name isn’t Dave but go with the Grave In Fave Cave headline anyway.

FRIDAY

Man who has always been able to talk can talk! He can also sit up! Just like all those times he’d previously sat! Unbelievable scenes. The Miracle Man actor, famous for his role as Trump’s Twin, is coined The New Dynamo and compared to the “water into wine” character from that one book written by some people ages ago.

The Scum declares this Friday to be “good” – for whom remains a mystery

Dynamo makes no comment about the Miraculous Man who can walk, talk and sit but a source reveals he is “rattled by the newcomer” and “wary of the competition.”

The Scum print 2 sentence follow -up to Fave Cave story revealing that the body of JC will remain in the cave until further notice due to local council not answering the phone, funeral directors being “suuuuper stretched rn” and the local ice rink having reached their corpse capacity.

12 of JC’s Twitter followers [all men so make sure you imply that JC was raging homosexual – Ed.] conveniently find a huge boulder the same size as the hole in the cave – it takes the combined strength of all 12 men to block the entrance of the cave to give their pal some privacy. Each man is fined for social gathering.

Furloughed woman, 56, who has put off achieving her dreams for 25 years because of always being too busy with work still does nothing to achieve her dreams.

SATURDAY

The Home Secretary says some numbers that aren’t numbers.

The death toll number is a bad number but it isn’t the real number.

Ross Kemp wears PPE.

Covidiots travel far and wide to take selfies by the cave with the dead guy in it.

Woman arrested for buying an Easter egg.

The Scum reveals you can rent “trendy, vegan, hipster, millenial cave” for £2500 pcm.

Queue outside Hornsey Sainsbury’s stretches all the way to Tottenham. Fight breaks out when Sains queue merges with Poundland queue. No parties injured due to nobody having limbs that are 2m long.

SUNDAY

A photo of the apparent cave begins to circulate on whatsapp: the boulder is nowhere to be seen, the cave is empty, there is no body inside, only an empty can of John Smith’s and a shrivelled condom.

Photo of Dynamo with newly dyed white hair is posted by The Scum online. “EXCLUSIVE: Dynamo flouts rules to flaunt new do”. A spokesman insists the change in appearance has “nothing to do with” the Miracle Man known as BoJo.

A message about the disappearance of the dead hippie in the cave is shared thousands of times on whatsapp. Conspiracy theories are rife: ranging from “body being used for testing” to “another magic trick by BoJo” to “starving self employed workers (who have yet to receive their £94) have eaten the man” to “man wasn’t dead to begin with, just passed out pissed.”

The Scum online reveals that the person who first tweeted the Fake News that deceased junkie scumbag JC is “the son of God” “who died, was buried and rose again to judge the living and the dead” has been detained under the Mental Health Act.

Health Secretary encourages BBQ’s this bank holiday weekend to cover up the smell of death and despair while simultaneous killing off the weak/old/sick/stupid/peasants.

BREAKING: Alcohol declared an ESSENTIAL item

WWBJD? wristbands now on sale for only £300,000,34,974,000 plus postage.

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Happy Easter, Passover, spring holiday to you and yours ❤