The Person Should Not Make You

The person who
claims to love you
and care about you
should not make you
want to drive the head
of a red hot cigarette
into your eye and
stub out the rest
on your leg.

— based on an earlier post titled 190320

*

Dear Darlings,

I truly hope that you and your loved ones are keeping safe and sane during this unbelievable time.

I haven’t been posting lately for a number of reasons but mainly I’ve been quiet on here because I’m in the process of moving out of my partner’s house and into my own place.

I have finally left the town that I have felt trapped in for so long, that made me so miserable, that has been the backdrop to all of my traumatic experiences, that is full of ghosts and menace, that is so uninspiring, so suffocating, so wrong for me.

I had intended to leave when I was 16 and yet, a decade later, I found myself still stuck in the same sad scene. But, finally, a few days shy of my 27th birthday, I have escaped. I have fled the bad place. For the first time in some years, I am safe. Finally I can begin to live for myself.

I am still in north London but in a new area: new faces, new places, new adventures, new experiences, new GP, new mental health team, new life. I am working on a long poem that explores these ideas – I will post it here via Hijacked Amygdala as soon as it’s finished.

My new flat is in a state of disrepair and was a total mess. I got the keys on April 1st and only just moved my belongings in today. There is A LOT of work to be done to make this house a home, and along with everything else going on I’ve been very stressed, overworked and utterly exhausted.

Other news:

– even though I haven’t been posting on here, I am pleased that I have written something every single day of 2020 so far

– my landlord has agreed to let me keep our family cat at my new place

– my flash fiction piece that was recently longlisted for TSS’s Cambridge Prize has now made the shortlist! Winner and runners-up announced on 15th (so I can wake up on my birthday to rejection and disappointment 🙃)

I’ll have internet access at my new place next weekend so will be back very soon. In the meantime I’ll be tweeting my usual bollocks whenever free wifi arises – you can follow me and see what I’m up to @treacleheartx

Wherever you are in the world, please stay safe. Look after yourself. Do whatever you have to do to make it through (the hour/day/week/month). Revel in art, music, literature. Do that thing you’ve been putting off for ages. Reach out to friends, enemies, strangers. Make plans for when “this” is all over. Eat, drink, rest. Be patient with yourself and others. Believe in goodness. Do everything with extra kindness. Know that you still have time. Know that it’s never too late.

Thank you for reading ❤

HLR xx

14 thoughts on “The Person Should Not Make You

  1. This post made me smile. Here’s to new beginnings and new adventures. Yes, literature, art and music are the only things keeping me sane during this difficult period. That and the face mask I wear when I walk to the apartment gate to get supplies! Stay safe Helena ❤️

    • Thank you B, that means a lot ❤ I’ve been thinking of you, really hope that you and your loved ones are doing okay and staying safe xx

  2. I’m glad you’re finally out of the town where you had so much trumatic experience. You’ll be fine soon. Congrats on your new apartment.

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