Two Thousand and Nineteen

JANUARY
NYE was disastrous: a big fight and an unforgivable text message.
Boyfriend dumped me.
Nights wandering around the city, afraid and alone.

FEBRUARY
Fibromyalgia killing me: physical pain worse than mental pain.
My beautiful baby nephew is born.
Saw The Weeping Woman by Picasso at the Tate Modern for the 2nd time.
Reluctantly reconnected with boyfriend.

MARCH
Decided to read more work by women.
Butchered my arms with a carving knife.
Mood highly unstable: crying and panic attacks a daily occurrence.

APRIL
Productive (NaPoWriMo).
26th birthday: Brighton, breakdown, overdose, hypothermia, illegally detained at hospital and physically assaulted by security staff and policeman.
Alive but traumatised.

MAY
PTSD: nightmares of men in authority grabbing me, hurting me.
Temporarily separated from boyfriend.
Relied totally on a toxic friendship: made blood pact with a bad man.

JUNE
Physically and mentally very unwell and doing nothing to get better.
Went to London Zoo.
Too much cocaine.
Went to Cornwall to visit Dad’s grave.
Suddenly obsessed with my body and appearance, began writing the Body Series.

JULY
Shared the realest thing I’ve ever written.
Went to Southend to detox: failed.
Mood app indicated a severe depressive episode.

AUGUST
Moved out of my flat.
Moved in with boyfriend on a “very temporary basis.”
Read and transcribed my old diaries then burnt them.

SEPTEMBER
Can’t secure somewhere to live.
Experienced the worst psychotic episode of my life.
Detained by police, involuntarily sectioned under the Mental Health Act, admitted to hospital.

OCTOBER
Can’t find anywhere safe to live.
Went to Cornwall to visit Dad’s grave on the 3rd anniversary of his death.
Fear, shame, terror, confusion, paranoia, embarrassment, depression, panic, insomnia: a suicidal wreck.

NOVEMBER
Can’t find anywhere suitable to live.
Returned to social media after a 5 year break (joined Twitter).
Spent 2 incredible weeks alone in Mexico.

DECEMBER
Can’t find anywhere affordable to live.
Sick, exhausted, depressed, frightened.
Still living with boyfriend, about to share our 4th Christmas together.
Attempting to ignore suicidal impulses by making big plans for 2020.
Determined to return to Mexico.
Determined to NOT repeat the past year.

12 thoughts on “Two Thousand and Nineteen

  1. oh my, very rough year, im glad you hold on to the good that happened in mexico, and i hope you can find more rays of light, plus ihope you dont feel alone in the darkness. my virtual shoulder is at your service, 🙂

    • You are so kind, thank you Jude ♡ it hasn’t been the worst year but the hospitalisations were bad. Though I’m lucky in lots of ways, and lucky to have you as a reader. Wishing you only good things for 2020 – I’m looking forward to reading more of your beautiful poetry next year! X

  2. ohmygosh… I remember many of these as they were happening. I don’t think you understand the beauty that you bring to this world by sharing yourself with us. Much love and light to you.

    • It’s been quite a year! Thank you so much for supporting me along the way and for being so sweet. I really appreciate your online presence, and the honesty and pain in your writing has inspired and affected me this year. Let’s hope 2020 is better for us both. Wishing you a wonderful holiday season xx

  3. May it be so! I hope your 2020 is much better than this one has been. It sounds like calling next year a better year might end up being damnation by faint praise, but I hope the trials you’ve suffered this year lead you through the fire!💜

  4. That’s a harsh year. Actually, reading it I should feel happier about myself because almost only good things happened to me, but I feel exactly as you. I’d like to advise you to change this life, but even if we change jobs, cities, continents; we remain us. Meh. Sorry for this realistic opinion of mine; life is actually said to be ups and downs, better things will come for sure and all the bad will be recalled by you as bruises in a long battle for happiness. Happy new year. 💙

    • I’m so glad you had good experiences this year, and hope that 2020 brings you more of the same :) I agree with your opinion.. I can change my circumstances but I can’t change the sicknesses in my brain, they’ll always be there, I just have to find a better way to live with them. Thank you for reading, commenting and for your kind wishes. Happy new year to you, too! <3 <3

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