This grief cuts deep / exists in a place / that painkillers can’t touch / that alcohol can’t reach / for you cannot drown what lives at the bottom of the sea / this grief / inaccessible / the ocean floor / otherwise unknown / only ever imagined before / now horror feels like home / this grief / cosy in the marrow of your bones / can’t extract it / too much of it / talking won’t coax it out / only makes it multiply / this grief / in clouds too big to fit in the sky / all that missing / all his pain / all that hurting / falls on you like acid rain / this grief / pings against the walls of your chest / taints your every breath / relentless / casts shadows on the only bit of sunshine you have left / this grief / unchartered territory / can’t be silenced by screams / or exorcised with tears / just darkens dreams / conjures nightmares instead / worry that the memories in your head are incorrect / cannot believe that you still breathe / cannot accept that he will never / breathe again / at least he cannot leave again
he is everywhere and nowhere / he is here in this town / where he started / born / lived / left / laid to rest / in a basket made of hemp / asleep under granite / full circle / but outside of it / past the perimeter / uncontained / free / he is somewhere / somewhere else / paradise / you hope / or just lost / you fear / just lost / just like you / just not here / just elsewhere
— Free writing. Falmouth, Cornwall. Father’s Day, June 2019.