[Part of the Body Series]
Skull: frontal cranial bone: a neat linear fracture: above right eye, below hairline: wish I knew what happened but it occurred during a blackout so that story is lost forever
3 out of 5 knuckles broken: never reset then broken again (broke the broken bits): will lose full use of right hand “by the time [I’m] 30”
outer 2 metacarpals shattered: no treatment: permanent ache
Wrists: skinny and weak: could never do a handstand, can’t bear my body weight: constant cracking and clicking: carrying things is hard
Torso: right side: 4 cracked ribs: drunk: tripped over in the dark: landed on an old oil filled radiator
broken toes: too many times to count or care
fractured metatarsals: celebrating England World Cup penalty win: fat bastard jumped on my foot: no treatment: wore high heels the next day: fuck it:
click, click, clickety-click (my bones, not my heels)
Knees: “aaaaggghhh”: stairs are the worst: father’s side of the family = dodgy knees: will inevitably be replaced with plastic caps, just like dad had
Ankles: clicky as fuck: crunch all the way round if I circle them
Spine and neck: crumbling under the weight of my massive brain: ha, no, they just constantly creak for no reason: want to take my head off to stop the creaking: hate the sound of it.
This is what happens when you spend your formative years being terrified of milk: your bones turn into glass. Also, WHY IS EVERYTHING BAD ON MY RIGHT SIDE???