[Part of the Body Series]

Skull: frontal cranial bone: a neat linear fracture: above right eye, below hairline: wish I knew what happened but it occurred during a blackout so that story is lost forever

Right hand:

3 out of 5 knuckles broken: never reset then broken again (broke the broken bits): will lose full use of right hand “by the time [I’m] 30”

outer 2 metacarpals shattered: no treatment: permanent ache

Wrists: skinny and weak: could never do a handstand, can’t bear my body weight: constant cracking and clicking: carrying things is hard

Torso: right side: 4 cracked ribs: drunk: tripped over in the dark: landed on an old oil filled radiator

Right foot:

broken toes: too many times to count or care

fractured metatarsals: celebrating England World Cup penalty win: fat bastard jumped on my foot: no treatment: wore high heels the next day: fuck it:

click, click, clickety-click (my bones, not my heels)

Knees: “aaaaggghhh”: stairs are the worst: father’s side of the family = dodgy knees: will inevitably be replaced with plastic caps, just like dad had

Ankles: clicky as fuck: crunch all the way round if I circle them

Spine and neck: crumbling under the weight of my massive brain: ha, no, they just constantly creak for no reason: want to take my head off to stop the creaking: hate the sound of it.

This is what happens when you spend your formative years being terrified of milk: your bones turn into glass. Also, WHY IS EVERYTHING BAD ON MY RIGHT SIDE???

[Read more: Piercings and Tattoos]

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