I wrote this in 2010. I can tell from the handwriting and absence of apostrophes that I was suffering from a psychotic episode when I wrote it. Seventeen and psychotic and scared.
Nothing has changed, which makes me sad. But I also feel a strange sense of something-resembling-pride that I’m still alive.
If I’d left in June 2010 I wouldn’t have fallen in love or worked my dream job or met so many interesting people – I wouldn’t have met my niece or nephew, my last 2 amazing boyfriends, or my brother’s wonderful girlfriend. I wouldn’t have finished school or 6th form, or studied at and graduated from university. I wouldn’t have seen Bob Dylan three times, stood an inch away from a Picasso or been to Arsenal v Tottenham. I wouldn’t have been there for my dad in his last months and I wouldn’t have held his hand as he slipped away.
All these books would have gone unread, all these places left unvisited, all these lessons left unlearned, all these stories left unwritten and unpublished.
I don’t know. I don’t think I feel proud, actually. That’s the wrong word. I feel amazed at my nerve and impressed by my resilience. But I also think it’s silly that I’ve put myself through all these years of pain when I didn’t have to.
8 years later, still begging for help, still getting none whatsoever. Still saying through tears and screams, “I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this, I can’t do this anymore, I really can’t do this, I can’t fucking do this, I can’t.” Yet still doing it. God knows how or why, but still doing it. Crazy.
I’m sorry. 8 years is a long time to feel this way. It’s been 6 for me and the darkness doesn’t seem like it’s going to let up soon either.
I wish I could do more for you but sending best wishes your way for now ❤.
And oh, feel free to contact me if you need to vent or a listening ear or anything. You’re genuinely welcome. Chin up 😄.
Ohh Sulaiman, thank you so much for your kind words <3 I'm sorry to hear that you're going through it too – remember that you're not alone, and when you feel like life can't possibly get any worse that means that it can only get better! Thank you for stopping by. Sending virtual hugs to you xx