We live in peculiar times.
We speak Nadsat without realising, and are surprised and disappointed when others don’t understand;
start a new ashtray in a plastic yoghurt pot instead of emptying the big glass one that’s fit for purpose but overflowing, then repeat until your entire room has turned into one giant tray of ash;
wake up totally exhausted after 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep;
rely too heavily on answers garnered from an upturned glass shifting gracelessly across a ouija board;
take 133 tablets of psychiatric medicine every week and still feel so terribly unwell, like if your brain doesn’t kill you first then kidney failure will;
wonder how you still have room for all the painkillers, vitamins and narcotics that also allege to make you feel better but take them anyway, then hear them rattle inside you when you shake;
judge people based on the type, style and colour of the material covering their feet and be cruel to strangers solely because of their eyebrow shape;
feel more inspired standing outside the house that your favourite writer killed herself in than at the house in which she lived;
live and die without a single person knowing you;
drink a can of coke and then eat a mento mint and marvel at the fact that your stomach hasn’t exploded;
take our old selves for granted and then kick ourselves when we discover that we’ve lost our best self and can’t get her back;
feel offended about every single thing, all of the time;
cause offense to those who think you should be offended and are offended that you are not;
cause offense by opening our mouths;
cause offense by keeping our mouths shut;
drive to the middle of nowhere and engage in primal scream therapy;
buy a pack of 500 bobby pins and only have 6 left in your possession two weeks later;
go from an immense feeling of relief when the pregnancy test is negative to an immediate sense of utter horror when you realise if you’re not pregnant then you’ve just gotten fat;
throw away the (perfectly good) first and last slices of a loaf of bread;
pick green fur off the remaining slices;
feel unreasonably angry that the picked-at bread is taking so fucking long to turn to toast under the glowing amber grill;
hear our friend’s voice from behind us say with such solemn sagacity, “A watched bread never toasts,” and laugh and laugh and laugh until you smell burning.
Originally published on Hijacked Amygdala here.