Good, Not-So-Good, Really Bad

GOOD THINGS

blackheart

  • I’m over the dreaded ‘first 72 hour withdrawal’ hurdle
  • Rekindled my love for The Velvet Underground
  • Ordered a new tablet (smashed the one R.L gave me in April on the night I started drinking again after 2 months clean) so I will be able to post things in real time again, as opposed to three days later when I’ve finally been bothered to type what I can remember
  • Hélène Cixous is really inspiring me, and has joined the small but powerful list of my female heroes
  • All of my medications were in stock at the pharmacy (a small miracle)
  • Starting Promethazine today, to *hopefully* calm nerves and stop panic attacks
  • My Dad and I are going to see Bob Dylan next Sunday
  • A love interest from the past has resurfaced and it’s really nice to speak with him
  • Contraceptive injection has been done so don’t have to go to the clinic for 3 months
  • Odaban and Face Saver are sort of keeping my craniofacial hyperhidrosis under control
  • My brother is coming home from Madrid today so I can call him and tell him about how I listened to the French equivalent of The Cure for over two hours before realising they were singing in French
  • Don’t have to go to rehab today

NOT-SO-GOOD THINGS

  • Soon my niece and nephew are going to Australia for two weeks with their dad and I’ll really miss them
  • My skin is gross, I have so many spots that I don’t want to go out on a date because I feel disgusting
  • The temperature has dropped so quickly and suddenly, it is freezing outside, need gloves
  • Promethazine will make me super drowsy so I’m worried I’ll spend all day in bed
  • Want to be left alone with my books and music and smokes but people keep asking where I am and why I’m not in the pub and blah blah blah

REALLY BAD THINGS

antiheart

  • I miss R.L so terribly and I don’t know why. I think I just miss having a best friend. Whenever I think of him my heart falls out onto the floor and I pick it up and try to put it back in but it’s all dirty and doesn’t fit and I try to swallow it whole but I just end up choking and it flies out of my mouth and back onto the floor but even further away from me than last time and it hurts so badly
  • Mentioned to my alcohol support worker that I look after my niece and nephew about twice a week. I said I never ever drink around them, I never see them when I’m drunk or hungover, I never even smoke a cigarette when I’m looking after them. She said she can’t trust me, and that I might be putting the children in danger. Asked to contact my sister. I said no way. Now she doesn’t trust me even more and said it’s her duty to ensure that children are safe, despite me assuring her that of course they are. Was shocked that she would even suggest that I would harm them, had panic attack, which I fear made me look guilty. Don’t know what’s paranoia and what’s protocol. Scared I’ll never get to see the kids. They’re the only things I live for. Scared she’ll tell my sister that I’m an alcoholic. Scared my sister will tell my mother, and mother will crucify me then kick me out on the street. Scared I won’t be allowed to spend time with the babies without supervision again. Scared. Just scared. Scared scared scared.
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2 thoughts on “Good, Not-So-Good, Really Bad

  1. I love my nephews and spending time with my nephews and nieces so I can understand where you’re coming from with that. Hopefully everything will turn out okay. Just keep moving forward with your goals and hang in there.

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