Tonight I suffered the longest, most brutal panic attack of my life.
Usually when I’m having a panic attack I can get my breathing under control in less than 10 minutes. The attack this evening lasted 58 minutes, almost an hour. An hour of struggling to stay alive. And, honestly, an hour of thinking “If this is my last breath I am fine with that. Let me go. Please let me go. I will die right now, right here, that’s fine. Let this breath be my last. Let me go. Please let me go.”
God, it was brutal. Hysterical. Choking on air. i couldn’t do anything. Lots of people tried to help. Total strangers phoning paramedics. But I couldn’t really do anything. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move.
After an hour I could breathe and kinda speak broken sentences, and I smoked half a cigarette which really helped. Jesus. An hour-long panic attack. If there is a God up there, I really fucking wonder what he’s trying to prove to me. Please, Lord, I am struggling here. I can’t take anymore of your tests. I’m a tough cookie, but that was bad. I didn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve this. Nobody does. No one.