Fear & Loathing in North London

I’m really struggling today – struggling to deal with this sickening sense of self-loathing, struggling to let go of things, struggling to accept and forget all these things that I’ve done. I feel very muddled and don’t like myself at all today. I can’t find positive balance anywhere, and the search is exhausting. I feel odd. I fear I may be breaking down. My heart hurts, immensely.

Then I just read something along these lines on tumblr and it made me feel a tad better, so thought I’d paraphrase and share, because the idea is true and it may empower someone else who feels as weak as I do today:

You have survived everything that has happened in your life so far.
Everything that life, God, fate, the universe has thrown at you, you have conquered.
You have defeated every sickness, heartbreak and tragedy that you’ve ever experienced.
Your personal survival rate, to this day, to this moment, is 100%.
Keep it up. Don’t let your survival rate slide.

God, I feel fucking awful though. Determined to stay out of hospital. I would really like to have some ice-cream, and I think I need to have a good cry, all these tears are boiling behind my eyes and scorching my brain and they’ll overflow soon and burn my face, but I think I’d feel better.

I’m going to watch The Butterfly Effect because apparently it’s one of my favourite ever movies but I don’t remember it at all. I don’t know the storyline and I can’t name any of the actors in it – but I used to rave about what a great film it is, so it’ll be like watching it for the first time. I hope I like it. I think I will get my ankles tattooed this week, now that I have saved the money for it. I want to hurt myself but I am snapping elastic bands on my wrists instead. I feel sick.

I just want it to stop.