I’m so sorry. To you, to myself, to my friends, to my family. I crumbled. I caved. I’m writing this and I’m under the influence of alcohol. Not a lot, but enough. Enough to make me hate myself again.
Every day that I am alive, I am scared. I am terrified of being alive. I thought a few social drinks would ease my anxiety but it only exacerbates my paranoia.
I don’t know how my limbs still move, how my mouth still speaks; some heavenly spirit keeps me surviving, some god is my puppeteer, some force pumps my blood and inflates my lungs everytime I try to die.
If God is a DJ he’s playing every song that I despise, on repeat, ignoring my pleading requests for my favourite songs.
If life is a dance floor, mine is covered in sticky beer, cigarette butts, empty wraps, vomit, the sweat and saliva of every body that stands in my way; the bodily fluids of the constant clubbers who prevent me from moving forwards, from reaching God, the DJ, from asking, begging for a different song, a better song, a song that I can tolerate, a song that I enjoy, hell, maybe even a song that I love.
How long should you fight, when you know that you are fighting a losing battle? The war against my mind is long and violent, and it’s tiring. I feel like I have to destroy what destroyed me: myself.
Your song IS coming, there’s just such a backlog of requests from so many people feeling just like you do. Hang in there, you are not alone, you are not a failure, you are walking forwards every day through this. You are brave and strong and persistent. xx
Thanks wbdeejay, I really appreciate your comment – I won’t give up, this is just a blip in my progress, I’m going back to being brave now. Thank you xx
Bullshit. We can both do this. Edward has relapsed twice since he quit drinking, his most recent attempt at it anyway… get back on the wagon. I believe in you. You can do this. And God isn’t the DJ, whoever he or she is (if he or she or it even exists), you are and I am. XXXXOOOO
Thank you my love, your support means the absolute world to me <3
we are here and we can do this – it may not be easy but it will be okay xxxxx
We all fall asunder to something, sometimes over and over. I’ve been there too. It’s going to be ok.
Thank you Callico, I hope so x
Hope is a good thing :)
You’re not going to lose. You relapsed, we all fall back on bad habits sometimes that’s part of getting well. Don’t beat yourself up, start again and let this go. X
Thank you so much, I really needed to hear that today xx
No problem. It’s okay to fail you know, it’s just important you keep trying. X
Overcome the evils of this world, by letting God enter your heart, so he can purify your soul.