A Drowsy Numbness Pains

Second day of cold turkey. I feel fucking sick – no food to eat, but too much coffee. I woke up feeling hungover which is a cruel thing to happen. Headache, nausea, shakes.

Most nights I come home drunk at whatever ungodly hour, choke back a Quetiapine and crash out, wearing the clothes and the makeup (and sometimes the shoes) that I went out in. I wake up the next day as a disgusting, ugly, shameful mess and I hate myself a little bit more than I already do.

But last night I didn’t go to the pub, as per. I stayed indoors all day actually as I sent my brother out to buy cigarettes for me. And, well, yesterday evening was nice. Nice and weird. Nice and “normal.”

I started reading a book which HarperCollins gave to me for review about 2 years ago, an early proof of Koren Zailckas’ Mother, Mother, which I’m really getting stuck into. I cannot read anything at all when I’ve had a drink – I just can’t concentrate at all, the words jostle and fade, and fail to absorb a single word. But last night I was able to get lost in the plot quite easily (despite the noise happening in the building and the usual traffic, trains and police helicopter sounds).


I watched the first episode of The Young Ones (1982) because Rik Mayall is a fucking genius. I also watched The Riot Club (2014) which was bloody brilliant, and promptly fell in love with Douglas Booth *sigh.* Then I had another nosebleed but it didn’t last as long as they usually do when I’ve been on the powder.

I had a nice bath for the first time in months – usually there is not enough hot water so I just wash myself with kettle-water in the sink but because I was indoors before everyone else came home I was able to run a bubble bath before they used up all the water! I took my medication with water instead of cider. Then I brushed my teeth, which doesn’t happen when I come home pissed, and took my makeup off. I put some cream on my cuts to help them heal overnight. I put clean nightwear on and went to sleep at a reasonable hour. Yes, I had a nice, “normal” person’s evening.

Oh. I’ve just realised… that is what they mean when they say self-care. Ha.

But now I feel bloody awful and am going to try to sleep through this. Although I need my brother to wake up so he can go and get me some more ciggies. And food, because I am so hungry I’m in pain. And I’m off to the V&A tonight for the Savage Beauty exhibition so I need to get my strength up.

Love from LDN xx

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