I wouldn’t say that I’ve had a revelation as such: I know that I repeatedly destroy myself so that nobody else can do it for me – it’s like my heart is so broken that it can’t possibly become any more damaged than it already is, which is a good thing right? It’s a sick mentality but I am a sick person – if I keep hurting myself, then it won’t hurt so bad when people do things that upset me. This is fucked up, I know. But after recent antics and upsets, I guess I’ve realised that I need to stop hurting myself because I am a good person and I deserve to love myself, to love others, and be loved in return.
I think I am worthy of life – I am worthy, and I must stop slowly killing myself.
Of course, all of this pain and trouble is usually caused (or at least intensified) by my alcohol addiction. It’s fucking poison and I know it is. It turns me into a horrible person, a person that I don’t want to be. I upset myself when I’m drunk and I upset so many people around me, which then makes me hate myself even more. I behave in a most disgusting manner, befriending strange men, doing class A drugs, spending a small fortune on champagne for people whom I shall never see again, driving under the influence, going back to strangers’ homes and having unprotected sex. It’s dangerous and stupid and embarrassing and actually not even fun. I can’t live like this anymore.
I have to get sober. I need to get sober. And I think, for the first time in my life, I actually want to get sober.
Of course I’m nervous about going cold turkey again and I’m scared of failing and I’m dreading the first 2 weeks because it’s so fucking hard and my body reacts so violently after 48 hours without a drink or drugs, but I just have to battle through it. I managed 46 sober days earlier this year when I gave up booze and drugs for Lent. 46 days is halfway to the big 90, which is my dream. I think once I hit 90 days sober, there’s less chance of me returning back to my current state of drunken debauchery. But, as it is with recovery from any ailment, you have to focus on one day at a time.
I think I will commence sobriety attempt #655321 tomorrow. Alex’s prisoner number in A Clockwork Orange. The 1st day of the month, and it’s a Monday so it will be easy to track my progress. Plus, I go to the pub every Monday because there are cheap drink deals on Mondays, so if I manage to stay out of the pub tomorrow and go to a meeting instead, I will feel proud of myself already.
I am terrified of sobriety but also excited to stop destroying my life and start building it instead.