Friday/Cryday

Friday was a bad day.

My friend’s funeral. I couldn’t get the image out of my head, the image of him holding the rope and making the slipknot, testing it, finding the best place to support his weight. Maybe he was crying as he made the slipknot – I don’t think he was, I can imagine him being really calm, with only a slight tremble in his hands, but it doesn’t matter now because we will never know. He was haunted by something and nobody helped. Maybe people did try, maybe he didn’t want help, maybe he couldn’t be helped by anyone. Sleep easy cousin, we’ll meet again I’m sure xx

Oh and then I saw my ex’s best friend in the pub and he dropped a bombshell. “R.L is having a kid.” Of course, I was last to find out – everyone knew and nobody told me. I was with his auntie and uncle only hours earlier and they didn’t say anything. Everyone has known for over a week. I thought it was a joke – this has got to be a joke, right? A windup on Facebook or some April Fool that’s gotten out of hand? No, it’s not a joke. Yes, the girl that he started dating straight after me is pregnant. Of course they’re keeping it. All he ever wanted from me was a baby. And I would never give him one. So he’s known this girl for only a year and now she’s pregnant. Brilliant. I wonder if he will want to use the baby name(s) we decided on. I hope not. That would hurt. It does hurt. This really hurts.

I wish I didn’t care. But he has broken my heart all over again. I feel so sick. I now have absolutely no option but to leave this town as soon as possible. I cannot bear to see their happiness – neither of them deserve to be happy, particularly when I am suffering in this way. I am devastated and disgusted and hate everyone and hate myself. I don’t want to be alive.