Sexual anagram of the day: “A Cunning Array of Stunts.”
My shakes are really bad. It’s getting a bit silly now, it’s so visible and everyone keeps asking why I’m shaking so bad. Can barely roll cigarettes without dropping tobacco all over the gaff, can’t hold a drink without spilling it everywhere. It’s really getting out of hand, literally. I’ve got my weekly blood test tomorrow so I’m going to ask Nurse S for something to stop the shakes. I think I’m immune to my beta blockers cos I’ve been taking them for 2 years now, they don’t stop my shakes at all where they used to before. But before, I had anxiety shakes, which Propranolol stopped, but now it’s drug-induced tremors so the Prop isn’t effective at all. It makes painting my nails really difficult!!! A messy French manicure makes Helena sad. And I’ve noticed that writing has become really hard too, my handwriting is a total mess, my hands just won’t cooperate so all of my essay notes are a fucking shambles.
I’m doing responsible adult things today. What O.C calls “housekeeping.” Laundry. Cleaning dishes. Taking the recycling out. All the shit I haven’t been bothered to do recently so it’s all built up and my bedroom resembles a crack den again. I need to stop inviting everyone round to mine when I’m drunk. Love having my pals at mine, but they have no regard for cleanliness, and my room turns into an utter shitpit. It may be tedious but it’s good for me to do things that “normal” people do. My CPN would be so proud of me if she could see me being a functioning human being.
I can’t stop thinking about how far I’ve come since this time last year. I turn 21 in two weeks. To be honest, I never thought I’d make it to my 21st. But I’m doing it!
I wish R.L could see me now. Everyone says I look so much better than I did in January, when I looked like a zombie. Nurse S said I’ve got a new sparkle in my eyes. D says I’ve got all my old confidence back. I’m finally a functioning adult, and R.L isn’t even here to see it. Hopefully he’ll come and visit me soon one Tuesday after football so we can have dinner and watch shit tv. That would be nice. I just need him to know that I don’t need looking after anymore, I can look after myself, and I’m doing really well. But I’d be even better if R.L was by my side supporting me through the home straight. Bollocks, man.
But I’ve got things to look forward to which is nice. Campus is quiet because everyone’s gone home for Easter. I secretly wish I had a home to go to. But I’m happy to stay at uni and smash these essays. And once essays, presentation and exams are done… alors on sort pour oublier tous les problèmes, alors on danse!!!