A letter to R.L using stream of consciousness technique. This is all free-written, so ignore typos/poor grammar. In fact, you can ignore this entire post. I genuinely don’t expect any of you to read it or relate to it or anything. I just need to get this all out of my system before it drives me madder than I already am. Here we go.
The last time I saw you, I had so much to say to you. I’d been rehearsing everything in my head, playing out the conversation in my imagination for days before you came to visit. I thought I could talk to you about anything and everything. I could before. But when I saw your face, none of the words came out. I didn’t ask any of my burning questions, I didn’t say any sad statements, I didn’t voice any of my opinions on our shitty breakup, I didn’t say anything about how I felt during the weeks that it all fell apart. I just couldn’t speak.
Bubs, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t write or study properly. I emailed you last night to tell you that I’m fully recovered and that hopefully I’ll get signed off and that I’m going back to work. You haven’t replied. You won’t reply. I just hope that you read it. Truth is bubs, I don’t feel very well today. I can’t stop crying and it’s all your fault because you just won’t leave my head. You physically left me, but not mentally. You’re still here and you won’t go away. To be honest I don’t know if I want you to leave my head. I’m so confused bubi everything is such a pickle without you. You’ve made this so difficult. Why can’t you pick the easy solution and we’ll pick up where we left off. We’re 3 years into our 5 year plan. We’ve still got so much to do together. Don’t you want our amazing dreams to come true anymore?
I don’t know what to do anymore. If I talk to you, will that push you further away? Do I need to give you space and time to miss me? Or if I don’t say or do anything to try and win you back, will you think that I’ve given up and that I’m over you? What’s romantic and what’s harassment? What do you want me to do?
The truth is, I took you for granted. I didn’t appreciate everything you did for me, I just expected it from you. I’d do anything for you to leave me another voicemail singing “She is my babbyyyyyy and I love her sooooo much” in that voice that you do. It’s all those little things you did for me that I miss most of all. If you’ll have me, I promise I’ll never take you for granted again. I miss those little things so badly.
I feel sick. My heart hurts. Every word leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I don’t know what to do. I want to get a 1st class degree so that you’re proud of me, but how can I get a 1st when I can’t concentrate on my essays because of you? I want to be fully recovered but how can I be when you make me so sad? It seems I can’t do anything right.
I just hope I see you one Tuesday for pasta bake and Johnathan Creek. I hope you come to the pub on my birthday. I hope you really do come to my graduation. I hope you don’t break my heart anymore. I hope you don’t let me down again. I hope you prove wrong all the people who warned me off you in the first place. Please prove them wrong.
Truth is, I love you. Always have, always will. Don’t forget about me, I’m only 40 miles around the M25. You’re welcome any time. X