R is for…


This time last year, I was in bed recovering from my hospitalisation after that psychotic breakdown.

That means that I have been under the care of my current psychiatric team for a year now. 

They were sent to save me by NHS Royal Borough of Windsor & Maidenhead, because the university just didn’t have the facilities to sort me out. I remember I was called to the Health Centre a week after hospitalisation for an assessment, and poor Emmanuel (the then-current CPN) didn’t have a fucking clue what to do with me. He called in his troops from Windsor because he wasn’t qualified or confident enough to help me. I want to find Emmanuel and kiss him because that is best decision he ever made.

It’s been a tough year. Probably my toughest yet.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve relapsed; it’s impossible to count.

The love of my life left me because of this illness.

I managed to pass second year with a 2:1 average.

I’ve received top marks in every piece of work I’ve done in this final year.

I’ve researched, written and completed my dissertation.

I’ve started lithium therapy and it’s treating me really, really well.

And holding my hand the whole way has been my CPN, Dr B (2013 psychiatrist) and Dr T (2014 psychiatrist), as well as S the receptionist at the Health Centre, S the Nurse who takes my blood every week, and my GPs, Dr H and Dr B. I would be dead without these people, I owe them so much, they have no idea.

My CPN is currently on holiday, she’ll be back the week after next.

When I see her, I am going to propose that, thanks to lithium therapy, I am well on my way to being fully Recovered and suggest that she officially sign me off. Yes, I said it. I want the psychiatric team to sign me off. 

I truly believe I am at a stage where I am the best I have been for years.

My illness feels totally under control thanks to lithium carbonate.

I feel like there are others who need help much more than I do, and that I’m just wasting their time now really.

I don’t need to be looked after anymore. I’m no longer a danger to myself and others. I can be trusted with my medication now. I feel like any other student, but with more interesting stories to tell. I’m not struggling to do basic things anymore. Okay I’m still not eating and sleeping properly, but both of these things will take time. I’m not taking my illness out on other people anymore. I’m not blaming anyone anymore. Everything has changed in a positive way.

This is honestly the most stable I’ve felt in years. So I’m going to ask S to sign me off. Fingers crossed they’ll go ahead and schedule a final assessment for me, and I’ll pass with flying colours, and they’ll let me go!!!

I’ll keep y’all updated with what the CPN says.



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