Chardonnay Tears


Hi baby,

Only me.

You broke my heart in a silly way yesterday.

It could have been so, so easily avoided.
If only you’d read my bloody writing, like I asked you to.
Actually. No. Not even.

You could have at least pretended to read it.
You could have sent me your congratulations.
You could have pretended.
You could have cared.
You could have pretended to care.

What has she got that I haven’t?

I want to cry. But I physically can’t. I think I need a good ol’ cry. Cry it out babe, that’s what I always tell my girls. My body feels the way it does seconds before I burst into tears. My heart hurts so much, it’s bleeding a drop for every mistake you ever made. Everything aches as my heart breaks, fragments of You float around inside me, poisonous matter, once pure. It fucking hurts, so bad. 

What has she got that I haven’t?

I’m stable now baby, I’m much better I promise. The Nurse said I look brighter and I’ve got a sparkle in my eyes. Everyone says I look much better than I did in January. I’m playing the Recovery game to the best of my ability. At the moment, you’ll never guess what, but I’m bloody winning! Ha! That’s why I can’t cry. Because I’m hard as nails now, so strong. But I want to cry. I want to grieve Us. I need to mourn You. I never had a chance to do that (you know why) but D says I need to mourn. She said it’s really important. She says I need to cry. I believe her.

What has she got that I haven’t? 

I am fucking devastated. Guess what, I just came off Skype to your nephews. They’re so sweet, asking me what its like to live at Hogwarts and asking me where I’m going to take them in the summer holidays. I’d like to take them swimming, golf and bowling, if that’s ok with you. I saw your sister on Skype as well. I miss your family a tremendous amount. I’ll pop in to see them on my birthday if that’s ok with you. You saw my niece and nephew on Sunday. You saw my sister on Sunday as well. How can you tear two families apart like this? It’s so stupid, such a terrible thing to do.

What has she got that I haven’t?

I just listened to Bruno Mars. I did it deliberately, to see if I would cry. I remember driving in your X5 to a greasy spoon in Slough cos I wanted hash browns, and you were singing to Bruno Mars. To be fair, every time one of his songs came on the radio, you would begin to sing along. Karaoke King. I remember how annoyed you were that time when I missed you singing karaoke cos I was outside having a ciggie with A. But then the three of us sang Nothing Compares 2 U. We used to have so much fun baby, awwhhh. Good times.

What has she got that I haven’t?

I never gave you the address of this blog. You know that I write on it every day and that it holds all of my published work, etc. but you never really gave a shit to want to read any of it or show any interest. A few times you did. You asked to see my blog. I always laughed it off and said no. Embarrassed. Shy. Coy. But maybe you’ll find a way, and stumble across this one day, and see the mess you’ve made. When are you gonna clean up? I hope it is soon.

I love you

from your little Bubalouuu 



  1. In time, you will see that nobody is worth all this anger and despair. You will find that nobody can love you as much as you love yourself. When you do, someone might just come ever so close.

      1. It is impossible to lose the love of your life. Maybe the one you have loved more than any. Just not THE one. I say this from experience. In fact, I got hospitalized for the first time directly after a really bad breakup.

        And who knows, maybe you will get back together if he comes to his senses. Do you think if that happens, you would forgive him?

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