I am in self-destruct mode. 

I feel absolutely depressed but simultaneously on the verge of manic: this has never happened before, it’s a very strange sensation.

I am terrified and excited and everything is a mess and I love it. I want everything in excess, everything that is bad for me. I have a terrific skill and awful habit of destroying things that are beautiful. Give me a mountain of white powder, and a pint of vodka and I’ll smoke until my lungs fall out onto the floor. I want to ruin myself so that I know where to begin to make myself better. First fix the hangover by doing some more drugs and drinking lots of water, then cure cocaine blues by taking Vitamin C and Valium, then have a day off from cigarettes. Then I can get to work on cleaning my bedroom which has begun to resemble a crack den, then I can take some more drugs and finish my dissertation. Then, once I’ve had my fill of excess, of pure, dirty, lying, cheating, scheming, naughty, brilliant, magnificent excess, then I can work on fixing my broken heart and my crushed soul.

One new message:
Keep going bubs you’ll get there x

Thank you, I really hope you’re right pickle :(

One thing at a time. One day at a time. One kiss at a time. I’ll be fine.


    1. yeah, i phoned my CPN and she said it’s a mixed episode. so, so, so strange, what an odd sensation! the feeling of wanting to do everything and nothing at the same time, ah!

  1. It’ll all be ojay. Deep breaths. Take a warm bath. Smike. Listen to your favorite song. You’re besutoful. Life will be okay. You’ll be ojay. You’re always stronger than you think.

Tell me what you think!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s