I am lucky in many ways.

It’s strange: I just went back “home” (my ex partner’s house) for the weekend because I had work (looking after a 92 year old lady) and returned to university this morning. And I already feel better for it.

I spent the weekend in a suicidal stupor. Seriously contemplating eating all my medication at once, cursing my uni bedroom for being hang-proof, wondering whether I’d die if I ate a gram of cocaine. But now I’m back at university, I’d say I’m doing just fine.

I have my little bedroom, filled with books. And I have so much reading to do. Course books to read this week: Macbeth, How to Paint a Dead Man, and To Kill A Mockingbird. Books to read for leisure: House of Leaves, The Shining Girls and Mother, Mother.

The college Health Centre called this morning because they’re worried about me. They’ve made me an emergency appointment to see the Community Psychiatric Nurse tomorrow afternoon. I am going to discuss changing my medication and starting Lithium.

I have friends who want to see me. I have various people to catch up with, drinks to be drunk, cigarettes to be smoked. I have my window from which I can drool over the beautiful guy who lives in the flat downstairs.

I have my running shoes. I have my Greek salad and museli and fresh salmon. I have my diet pills and my motivational workout playlist.

I have graduate schemes to apply for. I have graduate jobs to search for. I have graduate interviews to plan for.

I have a life, here at university. I will be sad to see it end. I want to be a student forever.

H E L L O , P O S I T I V I T Y !

1 Comment

  1. “cursing my uni bedroom for being hang-proof, wondering whether I’d die if I ate a gram of cocaine”

    I absolutely laughed at imaging you shouting at your room, like: “Fucks sake room, just let me kill myself. Fine, be hang-proof. I don’t need you. *hugs wall in guilt*

    Also if you ate, as in literally eating, 1 gram of cocaine that would most likely make you throw up and your heart beat a bit faster. I wouldn’t imagine you’re have any long-term consequences. Don’t do drugs anyway. You have so much potential. They’re generally a complete waste of money and life. I say this after a lot of drug counseling.

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