So on Saturday night, I relapsed. Again. The combination of social anxiety, alcohol and just generally feeling on edge set me off, and I had a breakdown at the party which “embarrassed” my partner and “let him down.” I ruined his evening, I ruined my evening, I ruined my reputation, all because of this stupid illness. Sometimes it’s too much to take. My relapse last week was quickly capped off by taking Valium to take the edge off, and so I don’t believe I truly got everything out of my system last week. So it was still hanging around me like a wasp, ready to attack, and it all got too much and something in my brain just broke down. I am gutted. Recovery seems out of reach now, especially since I butchered my arm when I got home and have spent the morning cleaning the blood stains from all over my bathroom and bedroom. But I know I must pick myself up, forget about it, crack on with my studies and trying to rebuild my relationship.
On the plus side of life, last night me and my partner hosted a fireworks evening at the local football club. It went down really well, we had an excellent turn out, made lots of money for the club and everyone had a wonderful time. Things were still tense between me and my other half: I didn’t receive any thanks for all of the hard work I put in yesterday when I really just wanted to stay in bed and cry. My funding still hasn’t come through and I am suffering without my medication. I think that’s why I broke down on Saturday, because I haven’t had my aripiprazole. Suddenly stopping it because I can’t afford to buy any more has proved detrimental to my health.
I’m just exhausted.
I’d like to thank Grotonome for the wonderful feedback I have received on my blog. I really really appreciate those who take the time to trawl through my musings and leave their opinions, it’s constructive and positive and does me the world of good. So thank you all, especially Grotonome!